First of all, I give thanks to my mother Marie for giving me life (and my dad Roger as well!). A few days of cussing and disentangling myself energetically from a cob web of emotions and memories left me pretty sober to begin the second half of my first century of existence. It’s not that I worked too hard at it, but a series of interesting circumstances kept me dancing on moist grass. First, I paid a visit to Raymonde, Daniel and Denis’ Mother, who lost her mind some 15 years ago after a brain hemorrhage. The 76 year-old woman doesn’t remember a thing, including her vocabulary, so she strives to communicate with a mere dozen words, and sings the rest of the time in the most endearing way (she apparently never sang before!) (see video clip). She also loves to cuddle, so of course I showered her with affection and thought quite fondly of my own Mom, whose beautiful white hair I will never stroke again. I cried softly in her company, basking in a gorgeous spring weather in the hills above Lyon. Then in the afternoon, I got a reading from a friend who works with the Tarrot as well as with the Bach flower remedies. We used the Bach cards and I drew Olive (exhaustion) then Willow (bitterness) and finally Centaury (learning to say No with love). I drew Temperance in the Tarrot and picked the Archangel Raphael as a guide. Well, for those learned ones, you can leave me comments about your take on this reading, but my friend Brigitte, a devotee of Ammachi, gave me a good sense that I was indeed in a phase of fog due to fatigue, and that I needed regeneration. The administered cocktail of Bach remedies was delicious by the way!
Then I met with this wild creature called Lionel, one of my friend Pascale’s budddies, who heals both men and horses. He gave me some interesting perspectives on healing and shielding oneself from negative energies. Yesterday, I went to visit some old friends of my parents who live in a farmhouse outside of Lyon. They are the finest and sweetest people, and very loved by my entire family. I took a long walk in the woods and laid under a tree, facing the sun. I reflected on my intention for my journey to Africa-healing. Healing my sense of being separate from community, healing my anger about events from the past, healing my mistrust of people and healing my body.
As I have shared previously, I have had a rough time preparing myself to go to Africa, to the point of often feeling so sick and unprepared that I wished to turn back. I have had to face so many aspects of my being that I have not had to ever face so fully. I almost felt like on my death bed, revisiting my life, and experienced terror at the amount of incompleteness, negativity and bitterness that I carry in my being. It was frightening to feel so unprepared for death.
So now, I am finally 50 and smiling. I feel ready, calm and yes, at peace with myself. Several talks with my lover, whom I mentioned in my last post, brought me back to balance after falling into some dark places. I climbed back with dignity, courage and even a lot of compassion for her and me. As a teacher of mine used to say: « spiritual progress is not measured by whether you loose your center or not, but how quickly you come back to center after being thrown off balance ». The fire I burnt in this time wasn’t nearly as hot as many others I experienced before. I was aware of reactivating undigested/unforgiven past events, and ritualized a letting go in order to pull myself out of a dangerous spin. It worked because my energy shifted noticeably and things improved quickly towards taking the pain onto the journey. It was another test of spirits before my departure. As strange as everything has been for the past several months, I am still here even though I contemplated vanishing from this Planet because of the intensity of my sorrow, and a debilitating sense of confusion and physical weakness. I had never gone so low without using something to distract myself or numb the pain.
So I celebrate this first half century with an appreciation of the wild and creative existence that I have had. I have never been in such debt and been so uncertain about my future, but I can say honestly that I look forward to becoming younger and wilder everyday! I give thanks to the Spirits and friends who love me, believe in me and guide me along my healing journey.
Then I met with this wild creature called Lionel, one of my friend Pascale’s budddies, who heals both men and horses. He gave me some interesting perspectives on healing and shielding oneself from negative energies. Yesterday, I went to visit some old friends of my parents who live in a farmhouse outside of Lyon. They are the finest and sweetest people, and very loved by my entire family. I took a long walk in the woods and laid under a tree, facing the sun. I reflected on my intention for my journey to Africa-healing. Healing my sense of being separate from community, healing my anger about events from the past, healing my mistrust of people and healing my body.
As I have shared previously, I have had a rough time preparing myself to go to Africa, to the point of often feeling so sick and unprepared that I wished to turn back. I have had to face so many aspects of my being that I have not had to ever face so fully. I almost felt like on my death bed, revisiting my life, and experienced terror at the amount of incompleteness, negativity and bitterness that I carry in my being. It was frightening to feel so unprepared for death.
So now, I am finally 50 and smiling. I feel ready, calm and yes, at peace with myself. Several talks with my lover, whom I mentioned in my last post, brought me back to balance after falling into some dark places. I climbed back with dignity, courage and even a lot of compassion for her and me. As a teacher of mine used to say: « spiritual progress is not measured by whether you loose your center or not, but how quickly you come back to center after being thrown off balance ». The fire I burnt in this time wasn’t nearly as hot as many others I experienced before. I was aware of reactivating undigested/unforgiven past events, and ritualized a letting go in order to pull myself out of a dangerous spin. It worked because my energy shifted noticeably and things improved quickly towards taking the pain onto the journey. It was another test of spirits before my departure. As strange as everything has been for the past several months, I am still here even though I contemplated vanishing from this Planet because of the intensity of my sorrow, and a debilitating sense of confusion and physical weakness. I had never gone so low without using something to distract myself or numb the pain.
So I celebrate this first half century with an appreciation of the wild and creative existence that I have had. I have never been in such debt and been so uncertain about my future, but I can say honestly that I look forward to becoming younger and wilder everyday! I give thanks to the Spirits and friends who love me, believe in me and guide me along my healing journey.
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