Burning Hot, Lyon, March 2

I had a feeling last night that it was time to cut loose on this blog and not mind so much about being naked with my heart, body and mind turmoils.  Who reads this darn thing anyway? These last few months have been such a crazy wild ride of battles, surrenders, heart openings, blissful attainements and kamikaze bomb dives into despair and depression.  Chemical imbalance?  Madness?  Cancer? Karma purification?

I know I have been dealing with a broken heart for some time.  That's what got me into dancing and creating Gypsie Nation in the first place.  I needed to dance like mad and create to keep my mind focused.  Rage I already had plenty from chilhood abuse, but deceit and betrayals added many megawatts to my already overheated harddrive.

This decision to take a long absence from my intense four-year creative marathon with Gypsie Nation took me by surprise but I trusted the impetus, as I have trusted many of my irrational decisions of the last 5 years.  The prelude to this journey was difficult as I had to yield when all of me wanted to fight.  I had made a commitment to listen to the elders that I reached out to for help, so I couldn't back out.  Failing my word would be a treason to my spirit.

My close relationship with my two lovers kept me afloat while I was experiencing great sadness and humiliation about once again being alienated from community because of my propensity for anger.  Why in the fucking world do I keep getting caught in the same traps of high expectations and dissapointments? Why do I hurt so much at times that I get into fits of rage?

I finally started feeling better this last week, diligently drinking my cocktails of herbs to detoxify my liver, most likely toxic since I was born, and cooked to perfection by a life of indulgence in chocolate and recreational substances such as pot.

And then two days ago, one of my sweet lovers, whom I have been in constant communication with since I left, announces that she had gotten intimate with another man.  No warning of course!  And many days of communication with her without a clue about this other thing going on.  So the feeling good switched to feeling sick again, but in my stomach and heart this time! Not what I expected to have to deal with a week before my 50th birthday and just before leaving on my walkabout in West Africa.

What bothers me deeply is that she knew very well (more than most) how shitty I had been feeling lately. And she also knows how badly I have been hurt by not being spoken the truth before.  So once again, I am swimming in an ocean of mistrust and sadness.  Fuck!

I have been so careful and caring in my loving these two women and have learned a lot about being communicative, honest and respectful.  

This situation is showing me clearly how delicate being in intimate and truthful relationship is, especially in relationships of this type! 

Countless memories and ghosts from the past have awakened, tugging at scars and testing my heart's ability to sustain love under duress.  Ouchy!  Man, my ass is getting kicked left and right.  I intuited that this journey had an initiatory dimension but I would have never anticipated such intense confrontations with so many demons!

Is this just an appetizer before the main African course?  With 7 days left before lift off, I guess I'd better get on my knees and pray!

Healing certainly isn't easy and I hope I find the courage to stand up to this recent trial and weather whatever else I must face.